One Small Crack 2

Things were going so well for me before everything happened.  There were times I felt a little like it might be a dream.  I was finally feeling the balance I had been looking for and it had taken a very long time (and two nervous breakdowns) to get there. I was feeling awesome with a balanced thyroid and going to the gym.  I was eating right and getting most of my food at the farmers market directly from the source.  I was sticking to my work schedule boundaries and getting the family time I needed.

It sort of felt like a miracle that all these things were in play at the same time, then I got pregnant and life was so full of blessings I thought I might burst.  Since everything happened, you can imagine that all that balance that I had worked so hard to achieve has disappeared.  That’s what stress does to you, right?  Something happens and it knocks you to the ground.  Your face is in the dirt, your knees and palms are stinging and bloody, and really after all that, all you want to do is lick your wounds and crawl away to your little den.

But lots of folks (including your own family) will say to you:

  • “It’s okay, you have to get up!”
  • “Don’t give up the fight!”
  • “Keep on, keepin‘ on!”
  • “Don’t worry, you’ll get pregnant again!”

Why is it that we don’t allow ourselves to lick our wounds?  We force ourselves to get right back up, and beat ourselves up inside because our life doesn’t look quite like it did before.  I don’t know about you, but this is the battle I’ve been waging on myself since I was knocked to the ground.  I beat myself up about the weight I should be losing before I get pregnant again.  I eat crap because I feel crappy, but then I beat myself up again for not choosing healthy food.  I beat myself up because I’m not back at the gym.  I beat myself up because the stress at work is causing panic attacks that I’ve not had in months.  I beat myself up for using medication to help me cope with those panic attacks.  I beat myself up for not being ready to get back up and try again.

The reality is that sometimes forcing yourself to get right back up doesn’t allow for time to grieve, time to process the stress and the emotion of something so big (or so small) that it knocks you to the ground.  I am lucky enough to have a counselor that said to me, “Be gentle with yourself right now.”  Those are powerful words, right?  It was permission for me to lick my wounds for just a little while.  It was permission to hide in the comfort of my little den and cry because I was hurt.  It was also the acknowledgement that I would get back up when I was ready.  I would not give up the fight just yet.  I would keep on, keepin’ on.  I would, when my body was ready, get pregnant again.

Let me tell you this right now.  I am giving you this gift as well.  Be gentle with yourself.  I am giving you permission to lick whatever wounds you may be suffering.  I am giving you time to heal and be ready to get back up.  And when you’re ready to (and you will be), I hope you’ll find the balance you are looking for.  I’ll be right beside you, cheering you on!