Do you ever get the that feeling that you’re finally growing up? That you’re finally coming out of the fog that is childhood, adolescence, young woman, youngish married woman, older young mother, etc…I laugh at myself through these descriptions. I’ve never thought of myself as young and married or a young mother because I started so late. I didn’t get married until I was 34 and that felt like I waited forever. I didn’t have Jasper until I was 35 and by that time I was already very close to having an “at risk” pregnancy just because of my age. But in the last several months, I’ve started to realize just how young(ish) I’ve felt through all of those things. It was my first time, you see. It’s not like I had some other experience before that that made it old hat. I was young in the sense that it was all new. That I was learning as I went just as all those other newlyweds and young mothers before me. And now that I’m 3 years past my son’s birth, I’m finally starting to feel like the fog of only identifying myself as wife and mother is starting to lift and I’m able to see and feel something inside myself that looks and feels more like me. Like the adult version of me I’d always known I could grow up to be.
I am finally making decisions for myself and with my husband that are just for our happiness. We are finally (at the ripe young age of 38) not trying to be the people our parents want us to be, not trying to pretend that everything is perfect in our relationship or our lives and not trying to please everyone around us anymore. We are finally being blindingly honest (okay maybe not blindingly) with each other and ourselves about what we want out of life and we are working together as a team to pursue these things. We are finally not apologizing for the hard decisions we have to make in order to make our dreams come true even when we know it sometimes breaks our hearts to be at odds with those that are most important to us.
I finally feel grown up. This is not the first time I’ve felt this way, and I’m certain it won’t be the last, but for now, I’m basking in the glory of being me. Adult, make my own decisions, take care of myself and my family me. It’s a pretty fabulous feeling and if it only took 38 years to get to this point, I’ll take it!